Make a difference--at work, in your personal life, and in the lives of
others. Say these vows to yourself daily--and then follow through.
You can be an analytical, data-driven, steely-eyed businessperson all you like, but business is ultimately about people.
That means business is also about emotions: both yours and those of the people you interact with every day.
Want to make a huge difference in your life and in the lives of the people you care about, both professionally and personally?
Say these things to yourself every day--and then vow to follow through on the commitment you make:
I will answer the unasked question.
Maybe they're hesitant. Maybe they're insecure. Maybe they're shy.
Whatever the reason, people often ask a different question than the one
they really want you to answer.
One employee might ask whether you think he should take a few
business classes; what he really wants to know is whether you see him as
able to grow in your organization. He hopes you'll say you do and he
hopes you'll share the reasons why.
Your husband might ask if you thought the woman at the party was
flirting with him; what he really wants to know is if you still think
he's flirt-worthy and whether you still find him attractive. He hopes
you'll say you do and he'll love when you share the reasons why.
Behind many questions is an unasked question.
Pay attention so you can answer that question, too, because that is the answer the other person doesn't just want, but needs.
I will refuse to wait.
You don't have to wait to be discovered. You don't have to wait for
an okay. You don't have to wait for someone else to help you.
You can try to do whatever you want to do. Right now.
You may not succeed. But you don't have to wait.
Don't wait.
I will appreciate the unappreciated.
Some jobs require more effort than skill. Bagging groceries,
delivering packages, checking out customers--the tasks are relatively
easy. The difference is in the effort.
Do more than say "thanks" to someone who does a thankless job. Smile. Make eye contact. Exchange a kind word.
All around you are people who work hard with little or no
recognition. Vow to be the person who recognizes at least one of them
every day.
Not only will you give respect, you'll earn the best kind of
respect--the respect that comes from making a difference, however
fleeting, in another person's life.
I will give latitude instead of direction.
You're in charge. You know what to do. So it's natural to tell your employees what to do and how to do it.
In the process you stifle their creativity and discount their skills and experience.
Letting another person decide how is the best way to show you respect their abilities and trust their judgment.
In a command and control world, latitude is a breath of freedom and is a gift anyone can give.
I will stop and smell my roses.
You have big plans. You have big goals. You're never satisfied, because satisfaction breeds complacency.
So most of the time you're unhappy because you think more about what you have not achieved, have not done, and do not have.
Take a moment and think about what you do have, professionally and especially personally. At this moment you have more than you once ever thought possible.
Sure, always strive for more but always take a moment to realize that
all the things you have, especially your relationships, are more
important than anything you want to have.
Unlike a want, what you have isn't a hope, a wish, or a dream. What you already have is real.
And it's awesome. And it's yours.
Appreciate it.
I will look below the surface.
Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes they piss you off.
When that happens it's natural to assume they didn't listen or didn't
care. But often there's a deeper reason. They may feel stifled. They
may feel they have no control. They may feel frustrated or marginalized
or ignored or not cared for.
If you're in charge, whether at work or at home, you may need to deal
with the mistake. But then look past the action for the underlying
issues.
Anyone can dole out discipline; vow to provide understanding,
empathy, and to help another person deal with the larger issue that
resulted in the mistake.
After all, you might have caused the issue.
I will make love a verb.
You love your work. When you're working that feeling shows in everything you say and do.
You love your family. When you're with them does that feeling show in everything you say and do?
Hmm.
Love is a feeling, and feelings are often selfish. Turn your feelings
into an action. Actively love the people you love. Show them you love
them by words and deeds.
When you make love a verb the people you care about know exactly how you feel. Make sure they do.
I will be myself.
You worry about what other people think. Yet no matter how hard you try, you can't be all things to all people.
But you can be as many things as possible to the people you love.
And you can be the best you.
Be yourself. That is the one thing you can do better than anyone else.
http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/8-statements-that-transform-your-professional-and-personal-life.html
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
3/12/13
Most Important Task You're Ignoring
Answering emails, putting out fires--those are important. But one
founder suggests something else should take up at least 25 percent of
your day.
Businesses are built on a few key pillars: the idea, the team, the plan, and the execution. However, one pillar that is often neglected in the fast-paced world of email and social media is good old-fashioned relationships--with employees, investors, suppliers, customers, the press, and probably many more people involved in your business. For me, this is what holds everything together.
Too many founders I've met speed through their days on autopilot, putting out fires to keep all the balls in the air. You know the drill: get into the office, check calendar, respond to urgent emails, drink too much coffee, avert crisis... and repeat! Maybe you squeeze in some relationship building at the end of the day. It’s an easy trap to fall into, but in my experience, relationship building should trump all of these things. In fact, I'd say founders should spend 25 percent of their time building, fostering, and growing relationships.
It’s actually quite easy when you break it down. Here is how I look at it:
Step 1: Write down your list.
Pick five people in each category above who are critical to your success. Make a list. Refer to it weekly.
Step 2: Make (genuine) contact.
Pick up the phone and see how things are going. Be sincere. Get to know them. Use your commute to knock this one out, so you won't be distracted with other work.
Step 3: Date.
Plan dinners, break bread, go to happy hours, go skiing. Build a friendship. People like to do business with people they like--full stop. (Note: If you truly don’t like a person, don't force it.)
Step 4: Repeat. Frequently.
A few years ago, Yes To hit a bump in the road (well, HUGE obstacle might be more accurate). After two years of phenomenal growth, we faced a major production issue with a key retailer that had the possibility to cripple the company. Our supply chain was clearly at fault and we admitted so to the retailer. Upon learning of this issue, I immediately left my family vacation and flew with my entire executive team to the visit the retailer. We rolled up our sleeves and worked with them until we found a solution. We apologized. Profusely. And together, we successfully brought this account back from the brink.
A year after this debacle, Lance (my business partner) and I sat with the CEO of this company. He leaned over and said with a smile "if it wasn't for me, you guys would have been long gone." He emphasized to us that because he gotten to know us as people, he truly wanted to be part of our success rather than our failure. This was someone with whom we spent years building a true friendship, someone we trusted, and someone who truly changed our lives. The four easy steps came through for us that day.
http://www.inc.com/ido-leffler/relationships-make-break-your-business.html
Businesses are built on a few key pillars: the idea, the team, the plan, and the execution. However, one pillar that is often neglected in the fast-paced world of email and social media is good old-fashioned relationships--with employees, investors, suppliers, customers, the press, and probably many more people involved in your business. For me, this is what holds everything together.
Too many founders I've met speed through their days on autopilot, putting out fires to keep all the balls in the air. You know the drill: get into the office, check calendar, respond to urgent emails, drink too much coffee, avert crisis... and repeat! Maybe you squeeze in some relationship building at the end of the day. It’s an easy trap to fall into, but in my experience, relationship building should trump all of these things. In fact, I'd say founders should spend 25 percent of their time building, fostering, and growing relationships.
It’s actually quite easy when you break it down. Here is how I look at it:
Step 1: Write down your list.
Pick five people in each category above who are critical to your success. Make a list. Refer to it weekly.
Step 2: Make (genuine) contact.
Pick up the phone and see how things are going. Be sincere. Get to know them. Use your commute to knock this one out, so you won't be distracted with other work.
Step 3: Date.
Plan dinners, break bread, go to happy hours, go skiing. Build a friendship. People like to do business with people they like--full stop. (Note: If you truly don’t like a person, don't force it.)
Step 4: Repeat. Frequently.
A few years ago, Yes To hit a bump in the road (well, HUGE obstacle might be more accurate). After two years of phenomenal growth, we faced a major production issue with a key retailer that had the possibility to cripple the company. Our supply chain was clearly at fault and we admitted so to the retailer. Upon learning of this issue, I immediately left my family vacation and flew with my entire executive team to the visit the retailer. We rolled up our sleeves and worked with them until we found a solution. We apologized. Profusely. And together, we successfully brought this account back from the brink.
A year after this debacle, Lance (my business partner) and I sat with the CEO of this company. He leaned over and said with a smile "if it wasn't for me, you guys would have been long gone." He emphasized to us that because he gotten to know us as people, he truly wanted to be part of our success rather than our failure. This was someone with whom we spent years building a true friendship, someone we trusted, and someone who truly changed our lives. The four easy steps came through for us that day.
http://www.inc.com/ido-leffler/relationships-make-break-your-business.html
9/21/12
Don't Just Buy Local, Buy Personal
Buying local is great, but to really support local entrepreneurs, go one step farther and buy personal.
A small business near me closed down. I feel terrible because it's partly my fault.
Every entrepreneur has big dreams. Many have small budgets, though, so they do the best they can.
They hope for great word of mouth since they have no marketing budget. They hope quality and service will turn an otherwise terrible location into a destination. They have passion and desire in abundance, and hope hard work and persistence will overcome any roadblocks.
In short, they hope.
And every day, people like me crush their hopes.
Granted in this case I'm only a little to blame. I knew the little clothing store was doomed the day it opened. It seemed obvious, just from driving by, that the owner loves clothing and fashion and hoped to build a business out of that passion, but it seemed just as obvious the business would eventually fail.
We've all seen entrepreneurs open new ventures that we can tell will soon go under. I'm sure you drive by a few every day. (If you're like me you sometimes make a little mental bet on how long they'll stay open. Six months is usually a safe estimate.)
I never stopped in this particular store. While I could say was more convenient to shop elsewhere, the truth is I didn't stop in because I never saw any cars in the parking lot. I was uncomfortable with how I would feel, and how the owner would feel, if I looked around and didn't buy anything.
I would feel guilty. I'm sure you've walked out of a store empty-handed and felt like you somehow let an eager, enthusiastic, bright-eyed owner down.
The owner would feel disappointed. Every business is an extension of its owner, and when a business is struggling perspective is in short supply.
You know you won't make every sale, of course, but remembering that it's business, not personal, is almost impossible. The customer who doesn't make a purchase in some small way rejects your business... and therefore, by extension, rejects you.
Each potential customer carries the power of validation or rejection.
That's a power I didn't want. But I should have, because I could have made a difference, however small.
Each of us can make that difference. Instead of buying local, go a step further and buy personal.
Put aside price/value calculations and rational market theory and survival of the fittest and take a chance on a new or struggling entrepreneur. Buy a few items from a local mom and pop. Hire the small restaurant down the road to cater a non-critical event. Call a new vendor and ask for a quote.
Sure, you already have established vendor relationships in place, but why not give other small businesses the opportunity to win you over? In the process you may find a great new vendor... or you might not.
But what's the worst that can happen?
You might spend a little more. The meal might not be great. The quote might miss the mark. That's okay. No matter what happens, be gracious. Be complimentary. Say something nice. Say thank you.
Pick a small business and give it a chance. Will you, alone, keep it afloat?
Of course you won't. I couldn't have saved that clothing store. But I could still have made a meaningful, even if momentary, difference.
At the heart of every business is a person with a dream, and few things are sadder than realizing your life will fall short of your dreams.
So stop in. Take a look around. Provide a moment of hope.
A little extra hope may be all that entrepreneur needs to keep going.
http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/dont-just-buy-local-buy-personal.html
A small business near me closed down. I feel terrible because it's partly my fault.
Every entrepreneur has big dreams. Many have small budgets, though, so they do the best they can.
They hope for great word of mouth since they have no marketing budget. They hope quality and service will turn an otherwise terrible location into a destination. They have passion and desire in abundance, and hope hard work and persistence will overcome any roadblocks.
In short, they hope.
And every day, people like me crush their hopes.
Granted in this case I'm only a little to blame. I knew the little clothing store was doomed the day it opened. It seemed obvious, just from driving by, that the owner loves clothing and fashion and hoped to build a business out of that passion, but it seemed just as obvious the business would eventually fail.
We've all seen entrepreneurs open new ventures that we can tell will soon go under. I'm sure you drive by a few every day. (If you're like me you sometimes make a little mental bet on how long they'll stay open. Six months is usually a safe estimate.)
I never stopped in this particular store. While I could say was more convenient to shop elsewhere, the truth is I didn't stop in because I never saw any cars in the parking lot. I was uncomfortable with how I would feel, and how the owner would feel, if I looked around and didn't buy anything.
I would feel guilty. I'm sure you've walked out of a store empty-handed and felt like you somehow let an eager, enthusiastic, bright-eyed owner down.
The owner would feel disappointed. Every business is an extension of its owner, and when a business is struggling perspective is in short supply.
You know you won't make every sale, of course, but remembering that it's business, not personal, is almost impossible. The customer who doesn't make a purchase in some small way rejects your business... and therefore, by extension, rejects you.
Each potential customer carries the power of validation or rejection.
That's a power I didn't want. But I should have, because I could have made a difference, however small.
Each of us can make that difference. Instead of buying local, go a step further and buy personal.
Put aside price/value calculations and rational market theory and survival of the fittest and take a chance on a new or struggling entrepreneur. Buy a few items from a local mom and pop. Hire the small restaurant down the road to cater a non-critical event. Call a new vendor and ask for a quote.
Sure, you already have established vendor relationships in place, but why not give other small businesses the opportunity to win you over? In the process you may find a great new vendor... or you might not.
But what's the worst that can happen?
You might spend a little more. The meal might not be great. The quote might miss the mark. That's okay. No matter what happens, be gracious. Be complimentary. Say something nice. Say thank you.
Pick a small business and give it a chance. Will you, alone, keep it afloat?
Of course you won't. I couldn't have saved that clothing store. But I could still have made a meaningful, even if momentary, difference.
At the heart of every business is a person with a dream, and few things are sadder than realizing your life will fall short of your dreams.
So stop in. Take a look around. Provide a moment of hope.
A little extra hope may be all that entrepreneur needs to keep going.
http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/dont-just-buy-local-buy-personal.html
3/30/12
Nice People Will Sabotage You
How to keep quiet politeness from killing your sales, marketing and probably your business.
I’ll admit it. I'm not a particularly nice person. In fact some consider me brutal with my honesty. (Some just call me a New Yorker.) Either way they’re right. I don’t coddle. I don’t insult, but I call it like I see it and often I offend. I don’t do it to be mean. I do it out of integrity. I believe (often foolishly) that when people engage me in conversation that they are truly interested in my opinions and experiences. So I share it, willingly.
A colleague of mine claims one can offer blatant truth, and still be nice. She says: “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” I don’t buy it. I have often witnessed, when someone has invested their heart, soul and ego into a project, and you tell them truthfully and nicely why it will never work, they still think you are cruel and non-supportive. Don’t take my word for it. Just watch Shark Tank, or American Idol. Except maybe Kevin O'Leary, most of the investors or judges aren’t actually rude or impolite. (Not since Simon left anyway.) They simply point out the errors in the unfounded beliefs of the contestants…dashing their dreams and crushing their spirits…thereby appearing to be cruel and non-supportive.
The alternative to us truth-sayers is people with discretion. They grew up under the rule: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.” They either lie and say something “supportive” when you bring them your hideous, doomed-to-fail idea, or worse they exhibit what I call Quiet-Politeness and simply say nothing. Most likely they’re not vested enough in your success to engage in conflict with you over your passion.
These nice people are not doing you any favors. In fact they are sabotaging you in three ways.
1. Nice People Waste Your Time.
This happens in sales all the time. You meet people at networking events. They’re polite. They never actually tell you they won’t do business with your company. So you optimistically think they’re worth keeping in your tickler file. You follow up every couple of months. You email them a birthday card. You tell yourself that someday they will come around. They won’t. They politely return your email or take your call, again omitting the fact that they’ll never buy and are generally annoyed with your persistence. In fact they would better serve you both, by stating that they already buy from their brother-in-law or that they hate your CEO, and just cut you loose. In sales, nice people suck up the majority of your time and resources. Just look at your conversion numbers.
2. Nice People Encourage Low Standards.
Most people ask for opinions in hopes they are on the right path with a project. A marketer who has passionately invested months in a new campaign runs it by a nice colleague for her feedback. The nice colleague thinks it’s a six on a scale of 10. The nice colleague supportively says: “ Looks good. Keep it up.” Why create unnecessary conflict in the cubicle next door? She thinks. The marketer feeling reassured, continues on his path of mediocrity. The campaign has lackluster results.
3. Nice People Enable Failure.
When an achiever is passionately driving down a fatal path, nice people tend to clear out of the way. Some are simply avoiding conflict. Others don’t want to appear non-supportive as the achiever reaches the point of no return. The nice people demonstrate their own brand of silent cruelty by not sharing their knowledge that can avert the disaster.
I’m not suggesting we round up all the nice people and ship them to parts unknown. Neither should we abandon all rules of polite society. But if you are an achiever in the business world, nice people will create unnecessary obstacles without some precautionary steps.
1. Defend against the “Golden Rule”
State clearly you do not want to be treated by nice people the way they want to be treated. Tell them instead to openly share their honest opinions and experiences or don’t engage. Tell them you intend to do the same.
2. Reward Bluntness
It doesn’t matter if you are an entrepreneur, manager or employee. When you seek feedback, show that you appreciate truth and constructive criticism no matter how harsh and painful. Show you can apply input so people are encouraged to provide more of it.
3. Give Nice People a Safe Path to Disengage
Most nice people can’t help themselves. Help them form nice people cliques and let them sabotage each other en masse. Perhaps you can identify them with an embroidered N on their lapels so they can find each other easily. This way you can avoid them and come hang out with those of us who will be brutally honest and give you the necessary feedback for success and achievement. We’ll be supportive by helping you overcome your real obstacles and we’ll encourage you to do the same for us. Come on over anytime. (You can find many of us at the Bull and Bear.)
It may not be a nice time, but it will certainly be refreshing.
I look forward to reading all your comments both good and bad. Of course I don't expect the nice people will say anything.
http://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/dont-take-business-advice-from-nice-people.html
I’ll admit it. I'm not a particularly nice person. In fact some consider me brutal with my honesty. (Some just call me a New Yorker.) Either way they’re right. I don’t coddle. I don’t insult, but I call it like I see it and often I offend. I don’t do it to be mean. I do it out of integrity. I believe (often foolishly) that when people engage me in conversation that they are truly interested in my opinions and experiences. So I share it, willingly.
A colleague of mine claims one can offer blatant truth, and still be nice. She says: “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” I don’t buy it. I have often witnessed, when someone has invested their heart, soul and ego into a project, and you tell them truthfully and nicely why it will never work, they still think you are cruel and non-supportive. Don’t take my word for it. Just watch Shark Tank, or American Idol. Except maybe Kevin O'Leary, most of the investors or judges aren’t actually rude or impolite. (Not since Simon left anyway.) They simply point out the errors in the unfounded beliefs of the contestants…dashing their dreams and crushing their spirits…thereby appearing to be cruel and non-supportive.
The alternative to us truth-sayers is people with discretion. They grew up under the rule: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.” They either lie and say something “supportive” when you bring them your hideous, doomed-to-fail idea, or worse they exhibit what I call Quiet-Politeness and simply say nothing. Most likely they’re not vested enough in your success to engage in conflict with you over your passion.
These nice people are not doing you any favors. In fact they are sabotaging you in three ways.
1. Nice People Waste Your Time.
This happens in sales all the time. You meet people at networking events. They’re polite. They never actually tell you they won’t do business with your company. So you optimistically think they’re worth keeping in your tickler file. You follow up every couple of months. You email them a birthday card. You tell yourself that someday they will come around. They won’t. They politely return your email or take your call, again omitting the fact that they’ll never buy and are generally annoyed with your persistence. In fact they would better serve you both, by stating that they already buy from their brother-in-law or that they hate your CEO, and just cut you loose. In sales, nice people suck up the majority of your time and resources. Just look at your conversion numbers.
2. Nice People Encourage Low Standards.
Most people ask for opinions in hopes they are on the right path with a project. A marketer who has passionately invested months in a new campaign runs it by a nice colleague for her feedback. The nice colleague thinks it’s a six on a scale of 10. The nice colleague supportively says: “ Looks good. Keep it up.” Why create unnecessary conflict in the cubicle next door? She thinks. The marketer feeling reassured, continues on his path of mediocrity. The campaign has lackluster results.
3. Nice People Enable Failure.
When an achiever is passionately driving down a fatal path, nice people tend to clear out of the way. Some are simply avoiding conflict. Others don’t want to appear non-supportive as the achiever reaches the point of no return. The nice people demonstrate their own brand of silent cruelty by not sharing their knowledge that can avert the disaster.
I’m not suggesting we round up all the nice people and ship them to parts unknown. Neither should we abandon all rules of polite society. But if you are an achiever in the business world, nice people will create unnecessary obstacles without some precautionary steps.
1. Defend against the “Golden Rule”
State clearly you do not want to be treated by nice people the way they want to be treated. Tell them instead to openly share their honest opinions and experiences or don’t engage. Tell them you intend to do the same.
2. Reward Bluntness
It doesn’t matter if you are an entrepreneur, manager or employee. When you seek feedback, show that you appreciate truth and constructive criticism no matter how harsh and painful. Show you can apply input so people are encouraged to provide more of it.
3. Give Nice People a Safe Path to Disengage
Most nice people can’t help themselves. Help them form nice people cliques and let them sabotage each other en masse. Perhaps you can identify them with an embroidered N on their lapels so they can find each other easily. This way you can avoid them and come hang out with those of us who will be brutally honest and give you the necessary feedback for success and achievement. We’ll be supportive by helping you overcome your real obstacles and we’ll encourage you to do the same for us. Come on over anytime. (You can find many of us at the Bull and Bear.)
It may not be a nice time, but it will certainly be refreshing.
I look forward to reading all your comments both good and bad. Of course I don't expect the nice people will say anything.
http://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/dont-take-business-advice-from-nice-people.html
1/4/11
The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage
A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.
But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.
“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?
Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.
Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.
Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.
To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.)
While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.
“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”
The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.
The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love.
After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the way they looked at themselves.
“You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.”
Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.
Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.
In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later, the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked to indicate which ones described them.
People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses.
“It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr. Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is that me or is that you?’ ”
It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life.
All of this can be highly predictive for a couple’s long-term happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html
But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.
“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?
Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.
Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.
Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.
To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.)
While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.
“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”
The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.
The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love.
After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the way they looked at themselves.
“You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.”
Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.
Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.
In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later, the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked to indicate which ones described them.
People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses.
“It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr. Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is that me or is that you?’ ”
It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life.
All of this can be highly predictive for a couple’s long-term happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html
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